i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
