I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
