well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
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i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
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Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.