i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
