I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?