Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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