you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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