well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
