so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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