Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
