I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
