My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
