I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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