drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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