so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
