It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
