Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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