did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
