I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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