doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
