then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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