Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
