hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.