I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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