All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
