In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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