i wish peter jackson would direct porn
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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