Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
