Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
