Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
