I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
