If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
