Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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