Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
