It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
