Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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