you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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