he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
