if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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