Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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