If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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