dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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