happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
