Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
