she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
