just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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