I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
