yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
