We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
