Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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