so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
