So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
