You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
