I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
