i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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