I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
