remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.