why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Let's get the cat blown out
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"