you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.