it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..