jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
