literally had 100 drinks last night.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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