I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
